APRIL: OPERATION BUDDHA + EARLY BIRD

This is the first day of operation Buddha + Early Bird, and I look something like this:

But, that’s okay. I’m surviving on 4 hours of sleep after waking up at 8:30am, so my goal is accomplished. I am attempting, throughout the month of April, to make myself into an early bird, as opposed to the relentless night owl that I am. I have this image of the person I want to be (waking up at 8, working out in the morning, getting more work done, being a generally productive member of society etc) which is in stark contrast to the person I am (waking up at embarrassing times, knowing all of the wait staff at an amazing sushi place because I routinely eat Udon soup there at 2am, not recognizing the day concierge at my condo because his shift ends at 3pm and I don’t leave the house before then, being a degenerate, etc).

Operation Early Bird will likely be easier than Operation Buddha, however, which goes against my very nature. I have decided to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, if even only for ONE MONTH, to see if it makes me feel like Mother Teresa. I started today.

Here is a complaint I received from a client the other day:

hey, ive been pretty patient considering my projects began feb 16…

i know there have been problems but its getting frustrating how both of them are taking

and so far not seeeing any results or rank for keywords chosen and domain links being worked on

can you advise?

thanks,

Really Annoying Client

While this may not seem like a horribly obnoxious complaint, it is one of many, many messages I have received from this micromanaging client. What is particularly annoying about his complaints regarding time-line is: I have a system in place for this. A well-thought out client portal that outlines exactly when project milestones are due. In addition; the project itself is a longer-term one that requires patience. Also, this client has little-to-no IT knowledge which makes trying to communicate with him especially complicated. And he’s kind of illiterate. I hate that.

This is the response that I wanted to give him:

Oh Hello!

As we have discussed many times, this is a longer term project. Which you ordered, perfectly aware of the timeline. The deliverables are right. there. in. front. of. you. Your keywords have moved, as I just took the time to check, and if you were computer literate then this would be obvious to you. We still have 40% of your project to go, and I assure you I am not trying to screw you over and use your $300 for hookers and blow. Also, I just spent 20 minutes looking for the OTHER project you have with me, as you indicated you have more than one, before determining that you are a moron and you have only ordered one package with two different links.

Go play in traffic,

Me.

(P.s. the go play in traffic was kind of mean, I’m sorry. But please stop messaging me with your mundane shit and I assure you the results will be there in less than 8 days, as your project timeline indicates.)

Obviously this would be bad for business and I restrained myself. But, after having a couple douchey clients over the last week or so, my tolerance is waning. Luckily, I can hide behind my computer and gain composure!

After several seething minutes where I tried to think of my goals and the meaning of life; I implemented OPERATION BUDDHA.

In Operation Buddha, you have to assume that the other person is having the worst day of their life. Cut off in traffic by some douchebag with a popped collar driving a Honda Civic? That’s okay. He’s probably rushing home to help his sick and feeble grandmother. Some asshole in the movies refuses to turn off his phone even though it’s rung twice and his ringtone is “Milkshake” by Kelis? He’s probably waiting to find out if his wife is in labor. Give the guy a break.

Similarly; perhaps my Really Annoying Client was working for another client, who was breathing down his neck about timelines. (Doubtful though; if Really Annoying Client is taking ANYONES money for computer related services they would be better off hiring an enthusiastic armadillo). Maybe he has the flu and is feeling particularly cranky. Whatever the reason, Operation Buddha was in full effect.

Here was my actual response:

Hello,

I just checked your keywords and your serps have improved for you 3rd and 4th keywords. You still have another full round of submissions left in your project. I apologize that we had to delay all projects by 10 days – we were frustrated with the google changes too, however I assure you that we did it out of an interest in doing the very best thing for you and your site. If we chose to rush ahead with the project, we ran the risk of submitting to directories that google had penalized.

I would ask for your patience while we complete more submissions on your site; the diamond package is a longer term project under ordinary circumstances, and unfortunately the delays lengthened that process. When your final report is due we will re evaluate your serps, post the before and after screen shots, and go from there.

Let me know if this seems reasonable to you, as it’s important that you’re happy 🙂

Buddha Me

This went over very well and my Really Annoying Client admitted that he was being impatient and apologized. And – his results look fabulous, a couple days later, so everyone will be happy.

The end!